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Today’s bit o’ sick: monkey muffs.

If your wee dainty hands are prone to chill, warm ‘em up with a “classy” monkey fur muff!

eBay has SEVERAL bidding opportunities for the discerning shopper.

So stick your hands in a decades-dead monkey. It’s hot. And arguably more disgusting than a psycho who goes on a shooting spree after Thanksgiving dinner.

Rather than enjoying a postprandial snooze, Paul Michael Merhige opened fire on his family, killing his two sisters (twins, one of whom was pregnant), an aunt, and a 6-year-old cousin. Holidays are hell.

More on Merhige from the Palm Beach Post.

Sick tag: monkey muff

Watch out when you’re in Arkansas, kiddies. Mind your mamas or they might have the police come TAZE YOU.

It happened earlier this month to a 10-year-old, whose mother had called the police because the girl was “on the floor of the house screaming and crying.” Haven’t we all been there? And when the little girl wouldn’t calm down and obey her mother, mommy told the nice police officer to use his taser. Which he did.

Glory be praised, I think we’ve found a new “baby sitter” to replace the TV. Taze the little wretches into submission!

More from Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.

SICK:  The pope telling Africans that using condoms wouldn’t stop the spread of AIDS, and would in fact make the problem worse. 

SICK:  Excommunicating doctors in Brazil, who performed an abortion on a 9-year-old girl, after she was raped repeatedly by her stepfather. 

The girl’s mother was also expelled from the church; the rapist was not. (Economist)

I have no words.

More from The Economist and BBC.

Pathetic doucheface Craig Bennett was found guilty of kidnapping and raping a child, AGAIN. He tricked a 12-year-old boy into helping him find his dog, took him to an “isolated woodland area”, and raped and strangled him. (Not to death!)

This is his second conviction for this type of crime. Back in 1993, he kidnapped and assaulted a 13-year-old boy.

Maybe this time they’ll KEEP HIM IN JAIL!

More from Sky News.

Crazy in Alabama. Michael Kenneth McClendon went on a shooting rampage yesterday, killing his family and several innocent bystanders. He started with his mother, burning down her house. Then he went to the next town to kill his grandparents, and an aunt and uncle. Why can’t these people snuff themselves first, instead of taking down a lot of innocent victims?

Sick tag: blood-soaked porches

More from NYT and The Birmingham Times.

A little girl in England starved to death after having all her baby teeth pulled. She was too traumatized to open her mouth even to eat. 

Do they not have milk shakes and mashed potatoes in England?? 

More from BBC.